We know what you’re thinking: Where in the name of Satan’s sweaty scrote did the weekend go, with all the haste of a hyperactive greyhound with its rectum on fire? (That is precisely what you’re thinking, it’s folly to deny it.) We feel your pain, befuddlement and thinly-veiled desire to shit on the office carpet and vow never to venture into the building again, gentlemen. We’re ready to ease your ire, as always.
For your delectation, then, here’s a sight to perk up your mood/gonads alike. The comely corps of Samantha Gauge, flaunting her ‘gaming credentials’ (and ladyparts, naturellement) with Need for Speed. Kudos to the dude with the camera -and big ol’ erection, presumably- whose steadfast pursuit of panty shots is so invasive you could probably see what Ms. Gauge had for breakfast. It’s just the kind of journalistic tenacity we can all applaud. With our pants down.
Last week, we saw the wonderfully skimpy costume-ery inspired by Skullgirls’ Valentine. This is not, needless to say, the kind of thing we can condone. Even slightly. Still, a pretty damn great theme is a pretty damn great theme. As such, today’s perky pugilist is Soul Calibur’s very own Ivy Valentine.
This is the woman, lest we forget, whose excessive boobitude served as a commercial for the latest release in the series by themselves. Those canny advertising bastards merely added tiny vaguely-related-to-the-actual-video-game-in-question small print to a huge jug-tacular close-up of her chest, and sales quadrupled (no they didn’t). We can expect, like the discerning ogling gentlemen that we are, that Ivy-cosplaying ladyfolk will not disappoint on the chesticle-o-meter. We would be right. Franchise stalwart Taki makes a cameo appearance or two as well, because everybody's life needs an extra impromptu bosomy ninja or two.
Cosplayers Kelume and Bellechere lent their talents (and their talents) to the above, as did veteran camera-flailers Eurobeat Kasumi Cosplay and Eurobeat King.
You may have thought that the half-assed dating site with a limp scrotum that is date a gamer couldn’t get any more farcical. (Incidentally, the same applies to its equally preposterous sister site, shag a gamer, for those who want to hasten to the genitalia-tennis sessions without first going through the rigmarole of expensive meals in ostentatious Italian restaurants with candles on the table and suchlike. Meals? Shit to them.) What with its penchant for displaying dickish dudes being assaulted by two women brandishing Wii remotes on the homepage and all.
While these guys may need to get their shit together and determine just what the hell ‘gamer’ really means (spoiler: a couple of seconds of fleeting footage of you flailing an iPad around will not suffice.“Come on, I’m allegedly playing some kind of racing game! There’s a goddamn car on the screen! What do you bastards want, blood?”) there’s one thing we can all appreciate: sextastic ladies in their skimpies discussing their turn-ons.
“At the end of the day, a woman has needs... ... ...SEXUAL needs,” Jessica confirms above. It’s great to receive that clarification there, lest we all leave with the impression that women’s ‘needs’ consist of having a dude that’ll creepily film her sleeping and/or take her pet aardvark for walks to the park on overcast mornings. Still, peruse the quick clip above. With insight of this caliber, you can’t go wrong.
Yes, gentlemen, that footage is still the greatest, arouse-iest twenty seconds Youtube has to offer. It’s like crack, too; we know a guy (y’know, ‘a friend’) who watched in on repeat for four days before passing out in a squelchy mess of his own waste products, hunger, shame and jizz. His roommate, putting the prostrate, limbs-akimbo dude’s pants back on, was not amused (so we’re told).
And so to our mamtastic business. In this installment, we’re dispensing with the gallery format. The only pertinent news-oddity we need this week is the one entitled Japanese Site Compares Ridiculous Video Game Breasts to Real Breasts, courtesy of the wacky funsters at Kotaku. Because, as we’re sure you’ll all attest, if there’s one renegade band of badass chesticle fans from the Devil’s ballsack, it’sEgotastic! But if there’s another, it’s indubitably our friends from the Land of the Rising Erection.
The ridiculous in question pertains to Senran Kagura Shinovi Versus, which translates roughly intoHuzzah! Scantily Clad Ninja Women With Tits Like Two Sacks of Watermelons, GO GO GO Ultra Happy Funtimes! (Except it doesn’t.) Last week, we saw this newly-released business galvanizing Japanese interest in Sony’s shuffling-piteously-about-like-an-elderly-horse-with-a-limp-scrotum PlayStation Vita, and it’s making news once more. News of the very best kind.
As Kotaku reports, Asian info-site Rocket News have utilized actual science to compare the boobitude of model Erina Kamiya with the ludicrous, jiggling profusely like a pair of immense, nervous and/or chilly blimps norkage that video games are wont to provide (see also: Dead or Alive, Soul Calibur and so forth). The sight of a rather sexy lady jumping around sans top while two disembodied fingers paw at the jello-jugs of a character on the Vita’s screen isn’t something you want to deny yourself, we’d wager.
So flex your perusal muscles/gonads below. As a bonus (a boner-bonus, if you will), we’ve also included one man’s view of The Top 3 Movie Slow Mo Bouncing Boobs.
Because we can.
Skullgirls, for the uninitiated, is the two-dimensional equivalent of the unerringly boobtacular Dead or Alive. A toon-tinged female-centric fighter (a laArcana Force, should anyone remember that. Which no bastard does ever, because it sucked monkey nuts), its cast sports the improbable chests that we’ve come to expect of the genre’s perky pugilists. Jiggleamundo, as the Fonz would presumably say, given half a chance.
Which, you may venture, is the cue for some delightfully skimpy cosplay; perhaps featuring nurse outfits which are really rather short. Well, gentlemen, it is, and... it is! In a threefold effort from the horn-dog minds of video game character designers, the lustable ladies from the actual goddamn real world of reality with a penchant for imitating them (Jessica Nigri’s appearance in the above is almost as prominent as the bulge in our gonad-regions) and the fine photographical stylings of Martin Wong andLJinto, this gallery was birthed.
You can behold Skullgirls’ Valentine in raunchy action below, or proclaim nuts to that and continue ogling her human counterparts. We know whose side we’re on.
This is a universal truth. Oh yes it is (no it’s not). It’s folly to even attempt to deny it.
What is the best way to celebrate the demise of another craptacular working week? Is it, perhaps, by visiting a urinal that implements piss-controlled video games? Those enterprising souls have certainly found a way to utilize all that alcohol we’ll be consuming in the next few days (whether celebrating holidays, happy hours or just the merry fact that we’re not dead), while also mitigating spillage and ensuring that we all know our shit with regards to men’s health.
You may think that maneuvering a skiing dude down a slalom course by means of ‘to turn left, pee left’ was demented enough. Which it is. But our Whacked Out Week is only complete when we add outrage at women dancing in their undercarriage into proceedings. Peruse the above for more disturbing details.
Anyone who has ventured into the Mortal Kombat series of fighting games can attest to the freakish nature of its women. Mileena, the groin-chewing cannibal crazy with the shark’s mouth? Skarlet, the blood-showering ninja-thing? They’re all hideous abominations from the depths of the Devil’s ass, which is just how this gore-centric franchise likes it.
But they are also as boobtacular and skimpily-dressed as anyone that cavorts around in their undercarriage in Dead or Alive or Soul Calibur (to wit: everybody). The answer, then, is to gather some sexy cosplayers! All the trouser-troubling, none of the homicidal tendencies. Thanks to the dress-up talents of Jessica Nigri and AsherWaar, plus the camera-wielding of Gil Perron at ppimagefactory and12 North Photography, that’s just what we have above.
